The Waste of a Medicated Cycle

With prescriptions in hand, I picked up the Clomid and the estrogen.  I was on the fence about the progesterone--honestly I did the worst thing possible and googled "bad side effects from progesterone." I was beyond freaked out after that and opted to not spend $100+ to mess myself up worse than what I could have already been doing with the clomid and estrogen.

Doctor wanted me to try days 5-9 instead of 3-7 for the Clomid.  As before I had little to no side effects from it.  I took the estrogen, little pink happy pills, days 8-12.  The estrogen made me feel amazing--or so I thought!  Maybe the gorgeous weather and soaking up some sun spiked my vitamin D and contributed to my great mood.  

So all sounds great right?  Well, for whatever reason my husband and I were NOT on the same page.  My ovulation predictor sticks were dead, nothing appeared to be happening.  Seriously on cycle day 12 they were so negative that if they were any lighter there'd be no line at all!  Even my temps were plummeting and my body seemed to NOT be doing anything.  We had not been able to find time or energy or desire to dtd, but on CD 13, I told my husband we better do something or we just wasted another cycle.  I thought I had missed my ovulation day as it was.  

Then the next day, CD 14 my temp bottomed out and I got a positive OPK--in the morning!  We were running late and there was just no way to squeeze anything in to the morning if we were going to make it to work on time.  We would have to wait and try that night and hope for the best and perhaps the next morning. 

We managed to accomplish the task that evening, despite both of us being exhausted, this was a Thursday.

 

Friday night I went to a movie with a girlfriend and we were out late talking--too late for my husband's liking.  He was mad--no dtd that night!  Saturday we ended up in a heated argument with me questioning "what in the hell we were doing this for."  Basically he was mad, or irritated might be the better description, that I we ate at the bar of a "family" oriented sports bar and grill (it was absurd and I should have realized it was a desperate attempt to say he was mad about something).  I was angry because it felt like he was accusing me of behaving inappropriately and was out "clubbing" or something!  In hindsight, I know he was annoyed that I left him home with the kids for this one night.  Before anyone thinks either of us are complete psychos or that he is a control freak (which I accused him of acting like that day) we aren't, and he isn't.  We are very much homebodies and rarely do anything unless we are together.  We prefer it that way.  My friend was going through a tough time trying to get pregnant as well and it was sort of a night out for venting and taking a break from the TTC stuff.  I intended to be home by 10pm, which he was counting on, so when 11:45 rolled around he was not happy.  In the end it boiled down to hurt feelings.

On the downside of it all we had only two notches in the TTC bedpost and that was it!  What a waste, sigh.

Putting a Plan in Motion

When the January and February cycles became BFNs it was time to get the plan moving.  I called my doctor who said she would need to see me before scheduling an HSG.  I was concerned with cost and she was checking into the cost since my insurance covers nothing related to fertility.

The HSG was going to be pricey locally because they had to put me out, a clinic in a larger city did it in office.  My doctor was annoyed with her facility and was perfectly willing to refer me, but still wanted to see me.  I asked about medicating my cycle with estrogen and progesterone and she said it probably wouldn't work, but she was fine with me trying it.

It turns out progesterone is crazy expensive, like $400 for 5 days!  My insurance would not pay for it.  I asked if there was another form other than the gel and she changed the prescription to a pill that was over $100--cheapest option.  Insurance would not pay for it, but it covered the estrogen for 5 days and Clomid is cheap.

We decided to try one more medicated cycle and schedule the HSG for the next month when the meds didn't help.  Because we had so little hope it would work out!

Back and Forth, Who's Fault is it?

Who's fault was it?  Maybe we just were pushing things and it wasn't in God's plan.  Maybe we weren't meant to have another baby.

June-September:  Up until my home scoping all of the BFNs were my husband's sperm were likely the problem.  Certainly his numbers were off, my cycles were looking great, temps were mostly cooperative, I was ovulating, getting positive OPKs, and our timing was great.  

October-December:  Scoping was yielding lots of swimmers, so I resigned myself to be THE problem--doc said I wasn't, but suggested giving us a little boost with Clomid.  When that didn't work, we went with the SA at the end of December.

January:  SA results were good so he could't be the problem.  Back to me.  We made a plan, I would get my tubes checked for blockages in the next couple of months, then if they were fine we would start IUI's in May.  If I wasn't pregnant by August 2012 we were going to give up (yeah right, can't believe I actually thought I could give up).

At least we had a plan, not the plan I had in mind a year earlier, but if it got me pregnant then it was a great plan.

Result: Not what I had hoped

So when the phone call came in a wide array of emotions ran through me, good, bad, fear, doubt, anger, confusion, relief, etc.  I wanted an answer and an easy fix.  I should have been happier at the results, but it just upset me further.

I WAS NORMAL!!!  Not only that my egg reserve appeared to be high and appartently my Bride of Frankenstein paired with the rest of my reproductive system was something similar to that of a late 20's early 30's woman.  In fact she said that she hope I like periods because I would likely be getting one well into my 50's--gee thanks mom and grandma.  Really that is what I inherited?  Well dang it if I was doing so great then why wasn't I pregnant!

I was grateful for my health and I did appreciate happy little ovaries and Gertrude the floppy uterus, but I wanted a baby!

Within 12 hours of receiving those results I got a period.  I was still hopeful that I was pregnant that month.  21 days!  It was ridiculous and cruel, but one thing the doctor offered was to give Clomid a try.  I had told her I would think about it--I called the next day.  Darn you Aunt Flo!

On to the 7th cycle.

I was prescribed the lowest dose to take on days 3-7.  It was no big deal, no side effects.  We timed perfectly, I temped and used the OPK's.  We propped hips, waited a good long time before I even considered moving.  We were definitely on team "ALL IN."  I happily charted my signs and symptoms and temp on FertilityFriend.com.  With each progressing day all signs were pointing to pregnant.  In fact out of 100 I had score 89!  This had to be it so like every other TTC psycho I pulled out the pee sticks on DAY 9!  Not only did I take them in the morning I took them at night also--because I read on Baby Center that someone had their highest HCG levels at night.  That could be me too right!

Day 9 am = BFN, pm = BFN
Day 10 am = BFN, pm = BFN, but OH MY is that the start of a line!
Day 11 am = BFN, but if I tilt it toward natural light I could see a line
Day 12 am = STARK WHITE LINE--Mega BFN, no pink, maybe it will be better tonight, NOPE still BFN
Day 13 am = BFN, BFN in pm too (you think I would have given up and accepted reality, but I kept right on testing until AF's due date.)

Aunt Flo was late 2 days

I tried another medicated month and I was pessimistic.  I refused to get excited and that was a good thing because it also was a bust.

I was pissed and the Hubs was getting an SA--ASAP!

Let's Back it UP!!!

So before the SA came my trip to the doctor, I wanted to check to see how things were with me get a full panel of whatever they would check me for--I wasn't sure how well this would go, but due the the fact that I was almost 35 and had been trying to conceive for over 6 months I was a prime candidate to check out everything.

I was hoping for something easy to explain what was the problem.  Low progesterone, low thyroid, estrogen.  ANYTHING!

I engaged in a teensy-weensy little omission of truth by not disclosing the fact that my husband had had a vasectomy reversed.  I was afraid she would not listen to me, make me wait longer.  I could not fathom that.  So I just didn't mention it--after all I had done my own scoping and we had sperm!  I had no clue if it was any good or not...

She checked me for everything, she ordered vials of blood to be drawn.  She gave me a very rough once over...honestly I thought I was going to have to pay extra!  But I digress, she informed me that I have a very tipped uterus as she curved her hand in a very unnatural way that made me visualize that my old Ute was something to be found within the girly caverns of the Bride of Frankenstein.  But after insulting my baby maker, she shrugged and stated, "well, it had gotten you pregnant three times before."  She decided it wasn't the problem.

We discussed possible paths we could follow, but then left it at, "we will see what your labs say."

It would take 3 days for all of the labs to come in.

SA results

Getting the SA was huge, scary it could be the end of our dreams.  I knew there was sperm present--they looked happy and healthy, but were they?

Results:

Volume---7.0 mL 

Viscosity---normal

Sperm Concentration---32.7 million/mL (20 million normal)

Sperm per Sample---~228 million

pH---7.4 (7.2-8.0 normal)

Motility---36.1% (greater than 50 normal)

Forward Progression---2 (scale of 1-4, 2 is normal)

Morphology---2.9% (greater than 4% is normal on the Krueger criteria)

HE WAS NORMAL!!!!!

Okay great, but then why hadn't I gotten pregnant?  It wasn't for lack of trying!  What was the problem?  Me.  It had to be me, even though the doctor told me I was likely fine.  We even tried Clomid!  

Great.  Now what?
Check my tubes, do an HSG, try IUI?

I wasn't sure which direction we would go next.  We needed a game plan.  

And Almost 2 Years Later, I Am Back

Wow!  All I can say is WOW!

So it has been almost 2 years since I started this little blog bit as a way of giving myself an outlet--therapy is what it was...that last what--less than a week!?

Well that is me, I am impulsive, flighty, easily distracted and I have an extremely short attention span.  Oh and the blog did help me.  I got out everything shared it with the world--well not really, but anyone searching!