The days following our argument and my frustration in knowing we had blown it was wearing on me and my husband. I was grouchy and irritable. All around miserable and like every other cycle I was acutely aware of every twinge, tightness, ache and sensation that could mean I was pregnant. Around the 5th day post ovulation I had sharp stabbing pain that were brief, but I knew it was unlikely they were implantation. It was just a wee bit too early. My temp did dip, but mostly stayed high, like usual and I expected it would stay high until the red of Aunt Flow showed.
I had resigned myself to the fact that in a few weeks I would be having an HSG to check my tubes. I was excited at the possibility of the mysterious increase in fertility afterward that some women seem to experience. I wasn't looking forward to having my husband do through the whole sperm collection process to do an IUI. I wasn't looking forward to that for myself either. Spending the money wasn't what I wanted either.
I decided to put all things aside and concentrate on Easter. God had put us on this path and I was beginning to think it was simply for us to act in obedience. In the beginning it was easy to say, "if we never get pregnant, then at least we tried." Now it was down right painful and I had to fight the frustration every time I uttered those words to myself. I refused to believe God did not have another child to bless us with. I knew her name, I saw her face, I knew she was out there somewhere...even if it was just a dream.
Easter, Jesus rising from the dead and promising our salvation, that is what I had to focus on and if "righting our wrong" was our only reward, then that is what it should be, but I wasn't going down without a fight!
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