Sunday, November 24, 2013
Fast Forward
As I complete these entries, our little VR miracle is snoozing away on my shoulder. It is hard to believe that she will be one year old in less than a month. She was an Easter surprise and Christmas present. I would say she was definitely in God's plan and His time.
Renewal
The remainder of the cycle wound down without much drama. My husband and had reconciled, by way of communication--why is it that is so hard to do from the get go? Every Saturday before Easter we go to family out of town to celebrate Easter, this was nine days post ovulation (dpo) and there was no point in testing.
We had a good time, played games including sack races. I managed to not kill myself but went "splat" a few times. We found out that one of my husband's cousins was having twins. Normally that sort of news would have made me feel sad, but it did not. In fact I found myself wanting to say we were pregnant too! I could not believe how strong the urge was, but decided it was the excitement of the day paired with the desire to spill our secret of even trying again.
When we left I felt good, but expressed my jealousy about the twins announcement to my husband. He too admitted he was a bit on the jealous side and be both just let it go. I slept the majority of the drive home.
We stayed up late playing "Easter Bunny" preparing our children's baskets and the treasure hunt to find their hidden baskets. We were up way too late and both of us slept like rocks!
The next morning we were woke by excited children and one frustrated one because the riddle was too hard and that "easter bunny wasn't being nice." I suggested the help of his brother and soon the wayward basket was located. I was so cozy I just didn't want to leave and was contemplating skipping church altogether. We had forgot to set our alarms and were already running late.
My bladder is what pulled me from the bed finally. Day 10 post ovulation. I stood for a moment in front of the medicine cabinet mocking my stupidity for even wanting to test before my period was even due. I couldn't hold my urine any longer and grabbed my trusty mug--designated for the lonely purpose of catching pee. I didn't have to actually dip the pee stick, I could still dump it.
As I sat there, thinking about how it was highly unlikely that we could be pregnant I realized I would dip that stick simply because that is what I do. No matter how outwardly pessimistic I can seem I cling to the hope inside of me.
I turned on the shower and tore open the package, laughing at myself and plunged the absorbent tip into the warm lemon colored liquid. I pulled it out, capped it and stuck it in the medicine cabinet. I jumped in the shower and took a speed shower--no need to shave my legs as AF would be coming soon. Thanks to 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner I can get in and out in five minutes.
Still dripping wet I fling the cabinet open and pull the stick into my line of sight. Nothing but another indent line. I throw it back in the cabinet and quickly dry myself off and get dressed, brush out my hair, and throw on some make-up. Stupid indents! Those are the worst, but I have come to not trust any line, especially this early.
Like an addict, I have to look again. The indent remained and it even looked slightly pink! How cruel is that, it had been awhile since I had a slightly pink line. I tossed it into the cabinet and acknowledged it was past readability time anyway and let my husband have the bathroom, while I got the kids dressed. That test and that evil pink line kept nagging at me. Back a third time. This indent was different.
As soon as my husband gets out if the shower I make him look at it. He sees it, but doubts it as I do. I decide I am crazy, but take a picture an upload it to the test tweakers on Babycenter. We go to church.
We come home and again I look at the test. It truly is different than any others, especially this early. We quickly let the dogs out and prepare their food before leaving for my parent's house for Easter dinner. Before I heads to the van I pull up babycenter to see if anyone responded. One of the main tweakers call it an evaporation line, another viewer agrees, but 3 viewers are optimistic and say it looks like the start of something...yeah, it was too good to be true.
The rest of the afternoon, I don't think about the test. I have accepted it is negative and enjoy my kids. We stayed all afternoon and head home a little before 7 pm. On the way home I realize I really have to pee and naturally think about the test once again. I fill the mug and give it another go. I know it will be stark white, that is how these things go. Glimmer of a line, then the cruel non-line, whiter than white.
I stick it in the medicine cabinet, then pull it out again. I decide I am going to watch that nasty white line appear only it doesn't. Again it is pinkish, must be bad tests. I check the timer and it has only been 3 minutes. My eyes must be playing tricks on me because the line gets darker, not lighter. I yell for my husband--but he took the dogs for a walk. I get my daughter's opinion on a second line--she sees it. She could see the second line on the first test too.
I could not believe it, I was actually pregnant. 4 years of regretting and nearly giving up, a year of making the reversal happen and 12 cycles of trying after the vasectomy reversal. Finally we got our BFP!
We had a good time, played games including sack races. I managed to not kill myself but went "splat" a few times. We found out that one of my husband's cousins was having twins. Normally that sort of news would have made me feel sad, but it did not. In fact I found myself wanting to say we were pregnant too! I could not believe how strong the urge was, but decided it was the excitement of the day paired with the desire to spill our secret of even trying again.
When we left I felt good, but expressed my jealousy about the twins announcement to my husband. He too admitted he was a bit on the jealous side and be both just let it go. I slept the majority of the drive home.
We stayed up late playing "Easter Bunny" preparing our children's baskets and the treasure hunt to find their hidden baskets. We were up way too late and both of us slept like rocks!
The next morning we were woke by excited children and one frustrated one because the riddle was too hard and that "easter bunny wasn't being nice." I suggested the help of his brother and soon the wayward basket was located. I was so cozy I just didn't want to leave and was contemplating skipping church altogether. We had forgot to set our alarms and were already running late.
My bladder is what pulled me from the bed finally. Day 10 post ovulation. I stood for a moment in front of the medicine cabinet mocking my stupidity for even wanting to test before my period was even due. I couldn't hold my urine any longer and grabbed my trusty mug--designated for the lonely purpose of catching pee. I didn't have to actually dip the pee stick, I could still dump it.
As I sat there, thinking about how it was highly unlikely that we could be pregnant I realized I would dip that stick simply because that is what I do. No matter how outwardly pessimistic I can seem I cling to the hope inside of me.
I turned on the shower and tore open the package, laughing at myself and plunged the absorbent tip into the warm lemon colored liquid. I pulled it out, capped it and stuck it in the medicine cabinet. I jumped in the shower and took a speed shower--no need to shave my legs as AF would be coming soon. Thanks to 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner I can get in and out in five minutes.
Still dripping wet I fling the cabinet open and pull the stick into my line of sight. Nothing but another indent line. I throw it back in the cabinet and quickly dry myself off and get dressed, brush out my hair, and throw on some make-up. Stupid indents! Those are the worst, but I have come to not trust any line, especially this early.
Like an addict, I have to look again. The indent remained and it even looked slightly pink! How cruel is that, it had been awhile since I had a slightly pink line. I tossed it into the cabinet and acknowledged it was past readability time anyway and let my husband have the bathroom, while I got the kids dressed. That test and that evil pink line kept nagging at me. Back a third time. This indent was different.
As soon as my husband gets out if the shower I make him look at it. He sees it, but doubts it as I do. I decide I am crazy, but take a picture an upload it to the test tweakers on Babycenter. We go to church.
We come home and again I look at the test. It truly is different than any others, especially this early. We quickly let the dogs out and prepare their food before leaving for my parent's house for Easter dinner. Before I heads to the van I pull up babycenter to see if anyone responded. One of the main tweakers call it an evaporation line, another viewer agrees, but 3 viewers are optimistic and say it looks like the start of something...yeah, it was too good to be true.
The rest of the afternoon, I don't think about the test. I have accepted it is negative and enjoy my kids. We stayed all afternoon and head home a little before 7 pm. On the way home I realize I really have to pee and naturally think about the test once again. I fill the mug and give it another go. I know it will be stark white, that is how these things go. Glimmer of a line, then the cruel non-line, whiter than white.
I stick it in the medicine cabinet, then pull it out again. I decide I am going to watch that nasty white line appear only it doesn't. Again it is pinkish, must be bad tests. I check the timer and it has only been 3 minutes. My eyes must be playing tricks on me because the line gets darker, not lighter. I yell for my husband--but he took the dogs for a walk. I get my daughter's opinion on a second line--she sees it. She could see the second line on the first test too.
I could not believe it, I was actually pregnant. 4 years of regretting and nearly giving up, a year of making the reversal happen and 12 cycles of trying after the vasectomy reversal. Finally we got our BFP!
Righting Our Wrong: Was this it?
The days following our argument and my frustration in knowing we had blown it was wearing on me and my husband. I was grouchy and irritable. All around miserable and like every other cycle I was acutely aware of every twinge, tightness, ache and sensation that could mean I was pregnant. Around the 5th day post ovulation I had sharp stabbing pain that were brief, but I knew it was unlikely they were implantation. It was just a wee bit too early. My temp did dip, but mostly stayed high, like usual and I expected it would stay high until the red of Aunt Flow showed.
I had resigned myself to the fact that in a few weeks I would be having an HSG to check my tubes. I was excited at the possibility of the mysterious increase in fertility afterward that some women seem to experience. I wasn't looking forward to having my husband do through the whole sperm collection process to do an IUI. I wasn't looking forward to that for myself either. Spending the money wasn't what I wanted either.
I decided to put all things aside and concentrate on Easter. God had put us on this path and I was beginning to think it was simply for us to act in obedience. In the beginning it was easy to say, "if we never get pregnant, then at least we tried." Now it was down right painful and I had to fight the frustration every time I uttered those words to myself. I refused to believe God did not have another child to bless us with. I knew her name, I saw her face, I knew she was out there somewhere...even if it was just a dream.
Easter, Jesus rising from the dead and promising our salvation, that is what I had to focus on and if "righting our wrong" was our only reward, then that is what it should be, but I wasn't going down without a fight!
I had resigned myself to the fact that in a few weeks I would be having an HSG to check my tubes. I was excited at the possibility of the mysterious increase in fertility afterward that some women seem to experience. I wasn't looking forward to having my husband do through the whole sperm collection process to do an IUI. I wasn't looking forward to that for myself either. Spending the money wasn't what I wanted either.
I decided to put all things aside and concentrate on Easter. God had put us on this path and I was beginning to think it was simply for us to act in obedience. In the beginning it was easy to say, "if we never get pregnant, then at least we tried." Now it was down right painful and I had to fight the frustration every time I uttered those words to myself. I refused to believe God did not have another child to bless us with. I knew her name, I saw her face, I knew she was out there somewhere...even if it was just a dream.
Easter, Jesus rising from the dead and promising our salvation, that is what I had to focus on and if "righting our wrong" was our only reward, then that is what it should be, but I wasn't going down without a fight!
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
The Waste of a Medicated Cycle
With prescriptions in hand, I picked up the Clomid and the estrogen. I was on the fence about the progesterone--honestly I did the worst thing possible and googled "bad side effects from progesterone." I was beyond freaked out after that and opted to not spend $100+ to mess myself up worse than what I could have already been doing with the clomid and estrogen.
Doctor wanted me to try days 5-9 instead of 3-7 for the Clomid. As before I had little to no side effects from it. I took the estrogen, little pink happy pills, days 8-12. The estrogen made me feel amazing--or so I thought! Maybe the gorgeous weather and soaking up some sun spiked my vitamin D and contributed to my great mood.
So all sounds great right? Well, for whatever reason my husband and I were NOT on the same page. My ovulation predictor sticks were dead, nothing appeared to be happening. Seriously on cycle day 12 they were so negative that if they were any lighter there'd be no line at all! Even my temps were plummeting and my body seemed to NOT be doing anything. We had not been able to find time or energy or desire to dtd, but on CD 13, I told my husband we better do something or we just wasted another cycle. I thought I had missed my ovulation day as it was.
Then the next day, CD 14 my temp bottomed out and I got a positive OPK--in the morning! We were running late and there was just no way to squeeze anything in to the morning if we were going to make it to work on time. We would have to wait and try that night and hope for the best and perhaps the next morning.
We managed to accomplish the task that evening, despite both of us being exhausted, this was a Thursday.
Friday night I went to a movie with a girlfriend and we were out late talking--too late for my husband's liking. He was mad--no dtd that night! Saturday we ended up in a heated argument with me questioning "what in the hell we were doing this for." Basically he was mad, or irritated might be the better description, that I we ate at the bar of a "family" oriented sports bar and grill (it was absurd and I should have realized it was a desperate attempt to say he was mad about something). I was angry because it felt like he was accusing me of behaving inappropriately and was out "clubbing" or something! In hindsight, I know he was annoyed that I left him home with the kids for this one night. Before anyone thinks either of us are complete psychos or that he is a control freak (which I accused him of acting like that day) we aren't, and he isn't. We are very much homebodies and rarely do anything unless we are together. We prefer it that way. My friend was going through a tough time trying to get pregnant as well and it was sort of a night out for venting and taking a break from the TTC stuff. I intended to be home by 10pm, which he was counting on, so when 11:45 rolled around he was not happy. In the end it boiled down to hurt feelings.
On the downside of it all we had only two notches in the TTC bedpost and that was it! What a waste, sigh.
Putting a Plan in Motion
When the January and February cycles became BFNs it was time to get the plan moving. I called my doctor who said she would need to see me before scheduling an HSG. I was concerned with cost and she was checking into the cost since my insurance covers nothing related to fertility.
The HSG was going to be pricey locally because they had to put me out, a clinic in a larger city did it in office. My doctor was annoyed with her facility and was perfectly willing to refer me, but still wanted to see me. I asked about medicating my cycle with estrogen and progesterone and she said it probably wouldn't work, but she was fine with me trying it.
It turns out progesterone is crazy expensive, like $400 for 5 days! My insurance would not pay for it. I asked if there was another form other than the gel and she changed the prescription to a pill that was over $100--cheapest option. Insurance would not pay for it, but it covered the estrogen for 5 days and Clomid is cheap.
We decided to try one more medicated cycle and schedule the HSG for the next month when the meds didn't help. Because we had so little hope it would work out!
The HSG was going to be pricey locally because they had to put me out, a clinic in a larger city did it in office. My doctor was annoyed with her facility and was perfectly willing to refer me, but still wanted to see me. I asked about medicating my cycle with estrogen and progesterone and she said it probably wouldn't work, but she was fine with me trying it.
It turns out progesterone is crazy expensive, like $400 for 5 days! My insurance would not pay for it. I asked if there was another form other than the gel and she changed the prescription to a pill that was over $100--cheapest option. Insurance would not pay for it, but it covered the estrogen for 5 days and Clomid is cheap.
We decided to try one more medicated cycle and schedule the HSG for the next month when the meds didn't help. Because we had so little hope it would work out!
Back and Forth, Who's Fault is it?
Who's fault was it? Maybe we just were pushing things and it wasn't in God's plan. Maybe we weren't meant to have another baby.
June-September: Up until my home scoping all of the BFNs were my husband's sperm were likely the problem. Certainly his numbers were off, my cycles were looking great, temps were mostly cooperative, I was ovulating, getting positive OPKs, and our timing was great.
October-December: Scoping was yielding lots of swimmers, so I resigned myself to be THE problem--doc said I wasn't, but suggested giving us a little boost with Clomid. When that didn't work, we went with the SA at the end of December.
January: SA results were good so he could't be the problem. Back to me. We made a plan, I would get my tubes checked for blockages in the next couple of months, then if they were fine we would start IUI's in May. If I wasn't pregnant by August 2012 we were going to give up (yeah right, can't believe I actually thought I could give up).
At least we had a plan, not the plan I had in mind a year earlier, but if it got me pregnant then it was a great plan.
Result: Not what I had hoped
So when the phone call came in a wide array of emotions ran through me, good, bad, fear, doubt, anger, confusion, relief, etc. I wanted an answer and an easy fix. I should have been happier at the results, but it just upset me further.
I WAS NORMAL!!! Not only that my egg reserve appeared to be high and appartently my Bride of Frankenstein paired with the rest of my reproductive system was something similar to that of a late 20's early 30's woman. In fact she said that she hope I like periods because I would likely be getting one well into my 50's--gee thanks mom and grandma. Really that is what I inherited? Well dang it if I was doing so great then why wasn't I pregnant!
I was grateful for my health and I did appreciate happy little ovaries and Gertrude the floppy uterus, but I wanted a baby!
Within 12 hours of receiving those results I got a period. I was still hopeful that I was pregnant that month. 21 days! It was ridiculous and cruel, but one thing the doctor offered was to give Clomid a try. I had told her I would think about it--I called the next day. Darn you Aunt Flo!
On to the 7th cycle.
I was prescribed the lowest dose to take on days 3-7. It was no big deal, no side effects. We timed perfectly, I temped and used the OPK's. We propped hips, waited a good long time before I even considered moving. We were definitely on team "ALL IN." I happily charted my signs and symptoms and temp on FertilityFriend.com. With each progressing day all signs were pointing to pregnant. In fact out of 100 I had score 89! This had to be it so like every other TTC psycho I pulled out the pee sticks on DAY 9! Not only did I take them in the morning I took them at night also--because I read on Baby Center that someone had their highest HCG levels at night. That could be me too right!
Day 9 am = BFN, pm = BFN
Day 10 am = BFN, pm = BFN, but OH MY is that the start of a line!
Day 11 am = BFN, but if I tilt it toward natural light I could see a line
Day 12 am = STARK WHITE LINE--Mega BFN, no pink, maybe it will be better tonight, NOPE still BFN
Day 13 am = BFN, BFN in pm too (you think I would have given up and accepted reality, but I kept right on testing until AF's due date.)
Aunt Flo was late 2 days
I tried another medicated month and I was pessimistic. I refused to get excited and that was a good thing because it also was a bust.
I was pissed and the Hubs was getting an SA--ASAP!
I WAS NORMAL!!! Not only that my egg reserve appeared to be high and appartently my Bride of Frankenstein paired with the rest of my reproductive system was something similar to that of a late 20's early 30's woman. In fact she said that she hope I like periods because I would likely be getting one well into my 50's--gee thanks mom and grandma. Really that is what I inherited? Well dang it if I was doing so great then why wasn't I pregnant!
I was grateful for my health and I did appreciate happy little ovaries and Gertrude the floppy uterus, but I wanted a baby!
Within 12 hours of receiving those results I got a period. I was still hopeful that I was pregnant that month. 21 days! It was ridiculous and cruel, but one thing the doctor offered was to give Clomid a try. I had told her I would think about it--I called the next day. Darn you Aunt Flo!
On to the 7th cycle.
I was prescribed the lowest dose to take on days 3-7. It was no big deal, no side effects. We timed perfectly, I temped and used the OPK's. We propped hips, waited a good long time before I even considered moving. We were definitely on team "ALL IN." I happily charted my signs and symptoms and temp on FertilityFriend.com. With each progressing day all signs were pointing to pregnant. In fact out of 100 I had score 89! This had to be it so like every other TTC psycho I pulled out the pee sticks on DAY 9! Not only did I take them in the morning I took them at night also--because I read on Baby Center that someone had their highest HCG levels at night. That could be me too right!
Day 9 am = BFN, pm = BFN
Day 10 am = BFN, pm = BFN, but OH MY is that the start of a line!
Day 11 am = BFN, but if I tilt it toward natural light I could see a line
Day 12 am = STARK WHITE LINE--Mega BFN, no pink, maybe it will be better tonight, NOPE still BFN
Day 13 am = BFN, BFN in pm too (you think I would have given up and accepted reality, but I kept right on testing until AF's due date.)
Aunt Flo was late 2 days
I tried another medicated month and I was pessimistic. I refused to get excited and that was a good thing because it also was a bust.
I was pissed and the Hubs was getting an SA--ASAP!
Let's Back it UP!!!
So before the SA came my trip to the doctor, I wanted to check to see how things were with me get a full panel of whatever they would check me for--I wasn't sure how well this would go, but due the the fact that I was almost 35 and had been trying to conceive for over 6 months I was a prime candidate to check out everything.
I was hoping for something easy to explain what was the problem. Low progesterone, low thyroid, estrogen. ANYTHING!
I engaged in a teensy-weensy little omission of truth by not disclosing the fact that my husband had had a vasectomy reversed. I was afraid she would not listen to me, make me wait longer. I could not fathom that. So I just didn't mention it--after all I had done my own scoping and we had sperm! I had no clue if it was any good or not...
She checked me for everything, she ordered vials of blood to be drawn. She gave me a very rough once over...honestly I thought I was going to have to pay extra! But I digress, she informed me that I have a very tipped uterus as she curved her hand in a very unnatural way that made me visualize that my old Ute was something to be found within the girly caverns of the Bride of Frankenstein. But after insulting my baby maker, she shrugged and stated, "well, it had gotten you pregnant three times before." She decided it wasn't the problem.
We discussed possible paths we could follow, but then left it at, "we will see what your labs say."
It would take 3 days for all of the labs to come in.
I was hoping for something easy to explain what was the problem. Low progesterone, low thyroid, estrogen. ANYTHING!
I engaged in a teensy-weensy little omission of truth by not disclosing the fact that my husband had had a vasectomy reversed. I was afraid she would not listen to me, make me wait longer. I could not fathom that. So I just didn't mention it--after all I had done my own scoping and we had sperm! I had no clue if it was any good or not...
She checked me for everything, she ordered vials of blood to be drawn. She gave me a very rough once over...honestly I thought I was going to have to pay extra! But I digress, she informed me that I have a very tipped uterus as she curved her hand in a very unnatural way that made me visualize that my old Ute was something to be found within the girly caverns of the Bride of Frankenstein. But after insulting my baby maker, she shrugged and stated, "well, it had gotten you pregnant three times before." She decided it wasn't the problem.
We discussed possible paths we could follow, but then left it at, "we will see what your labs say."
It would take 3 days for all of the labs to come in.
SA results
Getting the SA was huge, scary it could be the end of our dreams. I knew there was sperm present--they looked happy and healthy, but were they?
Results:
Volume---7.0 mL
Viscosity---normal
Sperm Concentration---32.7 million/mL (20 million normal)
Sperm per Sample---~228 million
pH---7.4 (7.2-8.0 normal)
Motility---36.1% (greater than 50 normal)
Forward Progression---2 (scale of 1-4, 2 is normal)
Morphology---2.9% (greater than 4% is normal on the Krueger criteria)
HE WAS NORMAL!!!!!
Okay great, but then why hadn't I gotten pregnant? It wasn't for lack of trying! What was the problem? Me. It had to be me, even though the doctor told me I was likely fine. We even tried Clomid!
Great. Now what?
Check my tubes, do an HSG, try IUI?
I wasn't sure which direction we would go next. We needed a game plan.
Check my tubes, do an HSG, try IUI?
I wasn't sure which direction we would go next. We needed a game plan.
And Almost 2 Years Later, I Am Back
Wow! All I can say is WOW!
So it has been almost 2 years since I started this little blog bit as a way of giving myself an outlet--therapy is what it was...that last what--less than a week!?
Well that is me, I am impulsive, flighty, easily distracted and I have an extremely short attention span. Oh and the blog did help me. I got out everything shared it with the world--well not really, but anyone searching!
So it has been almost 2 years since I started this little blog bit as a way of giving myself an outlet--therapy is what it was...that last what--less than a week!?
Well that is me, I am impulsive, flighty, easily distracted and I have an extremely short attention span. Oh and the blog did help me. I got out everything shared it with the world--well not really, but anyone searching!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Dreaded Semen Analysis
We were supposed to get a SA done at four months, but due to my husband not being able to take off from work and other things we opted to just try scoping at home again. There were lots of fast and forward moving swimmers. None seemed stuck together and I could count about 35-40 forward movers on each viewing screen. This was at 600x so I am estimating that he has at least 20 million--but I could be terribly wrong!
We followed doctors orders:
Dr. Wilson recommends using a collection condom for a better SA. Instructions were also to have 2-3 days of abstinence.
I just want to say that collection condoms are ridiculously hard to get on and we are lucky it did not tear! But at least it was enviro friendly to the swimmers! I was afraid there would not be much to put in the test tube container, but there was 7 mL! I can't wait to hear about the results. Now we get to wait.
God is Truly Amazing
I said in the previous post that God lead us down this path and I truly believe He did. Every time I got scared, He was there and calmed my nerves--I did not even know why I was scared anymore.
Early in December of 2010 before the phone consultation, I had a major freak out! I just knew we wouldn't be able to come up with the money, something else would need the money or it would all fail and we would have thrown the money in the trash. I was on the verge of backing out, even my husband was concerned with my total change of mind. He did tell me to not make any rash decisions that I was probably just panicking, but still I could see in his eyes that he was uncertain too.
We went to church and I prayed to God that He please give me some sort of sign, something, anything to know that we are doing His will. I finished my pleas and prayers and sat back into the pew--nothing. I felt nothing. No sign, no sense of peace and most of all just as lost as I was before.
Church began, as usual with the procession and then I realized it wasn't "as usual." Along with Father came a couple holding two tiny babies in beautiful white gowns. Suddenly, I felt warmth from within and knew exactly what our decision should be. There was no turning back at that point and I did not want to!
You may think I am a little nutty, but baptisms are not typical during Mass in our church. Most people opt for a private gathering. I could blow that off as coincidence too, but I cannot disregard the sudden warmth and overwhelming feeling of love, safety and peace I felt. Everything looked like it was glowing around me. That is the honest truth and the only way I can explain it.
Early in December of 2010 before the phone consultation, I had a major freak out! I just knew we wouldn't be able to come up with the money, something else would need the money or it would all fail and we would have thrown the money in the trash. I was on the verge of backing out, even my husband was concerned with my total change of mind. He did tell me to not make any rash decisions that I was probably just panicking, but still I could see in his eyes that he was uncertain too.
We went to church and I prayed to God that He please give me some sort of sign, something, anything to know that we are doing His will. I finished my pleas and prayers and sat back into the pew--nothing. I felt nothing. No sign, no sense of peace and most of all just as lost as I was before.
Church began, as usual with the procession and then I realized it wasn't "as usual." Along with Father came a couple holding two tiny babies in beautiful white gowns. Suddenly, I felt warmth from within and knew exactly what our decision should be. There was no turning back at that point and I did not want to!
You may think I am a little nutty, but baptisms are not typical during Mass in our church. Most people opt for a private gathering. I could blow that off as coincidence too, but I cannot disregard the sudden warmth and overwhelming feeling of love, safety and peace I felt. Everything looked like it was glowing around me. That is the honest truth and the only way I can explain it.
We Made a Decision
I researched three main VR doctors and finally decided to go with Dr. Wilson because of his price and extraordinary success stories! His success rates were near 97%!
Dr. David Wilson--Microvasreversal
My husband and I had a "heart-to-heart" and I learned that he never wanted the vasectomy and longed for more children of his own. It was painful for him to discuss because he thought the whole thing would be impossible. We have a tendency to be big talkers and dreamers with each other and know really we will never have the guts to do what it takes to get something accomplished. This could have easily been one of those things, except for the fact that we had God on our side.
I may lose a lot of people with this statement, but it was true for us. God had a very strong hand in this from the beginning and to not give Him credit would be wrong. It gave us the courage to leap and we put our faith in Him even when I wanted to chicken out because the whole thing sounded to complicated and scary.
We made the decision to start saving for the reversal immediately. I hoped to get things going in March during Spring break, but that quickly fell apart when I realized that we would not have enough money for the stay and the surgery. But we did know it was doable to aim for June. We scheduled the phone consultation for December 27, 2010.
Dr. David Wilson--Microvasreversal
My husband and I had a "heart-to-heart" and I learned that he never wanted the vasectomy and longed for more children of his own. It was painful for him to discuss because he thought the whole thing would be impossible. We have a tendency to be big talkers and dreamers with each other and know really we will never have the guts to do what it takes to get something accomplished. This could have easily been one of those things, except for the fact that we had God on our side.
I may lose a lot of people with this statement, but it was true for us. God had a very strong hand in this from the beginning and to not give Him credit would be wrong. It gave us the courage to leap and we put our faith in Him even when I wanted to chicken out because the whole thing sounded to complicated and scary.
We made the decision to start saving for the reversal immediately. I hoped to get things going in March during Spring break, but that quickly fell apart when I realized that we would not have enough money for the stay and the surgery. But we did know it was doable to aim for June. We scheduled the phone consultation for December 27, 2010.
Timeline
December 2005--Youngest Child born
January 21, 2006--Vasectomy
March 2006--avoided using condoms in hopes that the remaining sperm might get me pregnant
April-May 2006--Seriously regretting the vasectomy
Fall 2006--moved into new larger home
Winter 2007--causally look into adoption via internet
Late Summer 2007--Start to seriously consider international adoption, brought it up to my husband--he strongly opposed it
Late Winter 2008--Offered to get a part-time job to save money so we could adopt, my husband said no (I assumed it was all children, adopted or our own, that he was satisfied with the way thing were)
Spring 2008--was hired full-time in a position I had not dreamed would be available--I was satisfied and very busy!
Fall 2008--I had a wacky cycle and my period was super late, but it finally did arrive. The thought that I might be pregnant made everything worse! I had spent the past 2+ years praying with every cycle that I would not get a period and that the V had failed. Now all I could think about was, what if that was a miscarriage and I really can get pregnant again!
Late Spring 2009--obsessed over adoption sites and searched for the likelihood of vasectomies failing--not a very good chance!
Summer 2009--was super busy with work and had another late period that got my hopes way up
Fall 2009--looked at vasectomy reversal, but wasn't hopeful because of the cost and possible failures
Winter 2010--talked about adoption and nonchalantly about VRs and was left with a little hope, if I could find a way to pay for the expense of the a VR, but NO adoption. Period. Also we needed to pay off a few credit cards first. He made the terms feel very unattainable and I was frustrated. I would be 40 before I could get all of it done!
May 2010--My mom's story made me search Vasectomy Reversal in a new way--looking for success instead of failure! Discovered microsurgery vasectomy reversal. Found Dr. Wilson and a clinic in Minnesota, started researching Dr. Wilson
Summer 2010--Discussed it with husband in depth, he confessed that he never wanted the V and would love to have more children. He just could not handle adoption.
Fall 2010--Final decision to go for it!!
December 27, 2010--Phone Consultation with Dr. Wilson, husband did not have a very good impression of the guy--I started more research and found Baby Center's Trying after Vasectomy Reversal group. There was tons of positive feedback about Dr. Wilson
May 31, 2011--Vasectomy Reversal
June 25, 2011--Trying at home scoping--SAW TONS OF SWIMMERS!!!
June 27, 2011--Scoped again--still saw a large number of swimmers!
October 7, 2011--Scoped during the 4th month out--Swimmers still there, almost all were forward, fast movers!
December 27, 2011--First Semen Analysis--fingers crossed! We will know within the next week what our official count is--the volume was at 7 mLs do that is good! Now let's just hope there are lots of healthy looking swimmers!
January 21, 2006--Vasectomy
March 2006--avoided using condoms in hopes that the remaining sperm might get me pregnant
April-May 2006--Seriously regretting the vasectomy
Fall 2006--moved into new larger home
Winter 2007--causally look into adoption via internet
Late Summer 2007--Start to seriously consider international adoption, brought it up to my husband--he strongly opposed it
Late Winter 2008--Offered to get a part-time job to save money so we could adopt, my husband said no (I assumed it was all children, adopted or our own, that he was satisfied with the way thing were)
Spring 2008--was hired full-time in a position I had not dreamed would be available--I was satisfied and very busy!
Fall 2008--I had a wacky cycle and my period was super late, but it finally did arrive. The thought that I might be pregnant made everything worse! I had spent the past 2+ years praying with every cycle that I would not get a period and that the V had failed. Now all I could think about was, what if that was a miscarriage and I really can get pregnant again!
Late Spring 2009--obsessed over adoption sites and searched for the likelihood of vasectomies failing--not a very good chance!
Summer 2009--was super busy with work and had another late period that got my hopes way up
Fall 2009--looked at vasectomy reversal, but wasn't hopeful because of the cost and possible failures
Winter 2010--talked about adoption and nonchalantly about VRs and was left with a little hope, if I could find a way to pay for the expense of the a VR, but NO adoption. Period. Also we needed to pay off a few credit cards first. He made the terms feel very unattainable and I was frustrated. I would be 40 before I could get all of it done!
May 2010--My mom's story made me search Vasectomy Reversal in a new way--looking for success instead of failure! Discovered microsurgery vasectomy reversal. Found Dr. Wilson and a clinic in Minnesota, started researching Dr. Wilson
Summer 2010--Discussed it with husband in depth, he confessed that he never wanted the V and would love to have more children. He just could not handle adoption.
Fall 2010--Final decision to go for it!!
December 27, 2010--Phone Consultation with Dr. Wilson, husband did not have a very good impression of the guy--I started more research and found Baby Center's Trying after Vasectomy Reversal group. There was tons of positive feedback about Dr. Wilson
May 31, 2011--Vasectomy Reversal
June 25, 2011--Trying at home scoping--SAW TONS OF SWIMMERS!!!
June 27, 2011--Scoped again--still saw a large number of swimmers!
October 7, 2011--Scoped during the 4th month out--Swimmers still there, almost all were forward, fast movers!
December 27, 2011--First Semen Analysis--fingers crossed! We will know within the next week what our official count is--the volume was at 7 mLs do that is good! Now let's just hope there are lots of healthy looking swimmers!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Who is this Oklahoman Doctor--Is he Legit??
Dr. Wilson was the doctor with the lowest price. Over the summer of 2010, I collected a list of data about Dr. Wilson's reviews and the majority were stellar. Some said his personality was dry, that he was a fast talker, very low key office, and on and on. The one thing that stood out though was the success his patients were experiencing and how highly so many praised him. In fact, I only found one person who was angry because they lost their deposit due to a last minute cancellation that wasn't their fault. I won't make any judgements on this as I am not aware of either side's full story. But one negative in a sea of positives says a lot. Even those who never got pregnant spoke highly of his technique, expertise and quality of his work.
Still $1700 is so low compared to his competitors! Would my husband even consider it? What would he think when I tell him, "hey I found this doctor willing to sew your vas defs back together for less than $2K when almost everyone else is double." It made me remember the "King of Queens" episode where Doug gives his wife Carrie the gift of sight with a BOGO lasiks eye surgery coupon deal!
Still $1700 is so low compared to his competitors! Would my husband even consider it? What would he think when I tell him, "hey I found this doctor willing to sew your vas defs back together for less than $2K when almost everyone else is double." It made me remember the "King of Queens" episode where Doug gives his wife Carrie the gift of sight with a BOGO lasiks eye surgery coupon deal!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Mom's Unknowing Hope
My mom is a very good mother and I love her dearly. She along with my dad both thought I was nuts to have another baby after I had the "perfect" family in their eyes. I was just like them, a girl and a boy, just like myself and my brother. They could not comprehend my desire for another baby because it wasn't what they would do.
There was a small part of my motivation to get pregnant a third time just in spite of my mom. To rebel against what she thought I should do, yes I know, immaturity and I was nearly 30. It was my last childish hurrah--cut me a break!
After I was thoroughly punished for my above mentioned actions with a miserable pregnancy (just kidding I know that isn't the reason...I hope!) for number three, my parents had a lot of fuel as to why I should be done. Blood pressure issues, migraines, sickness, exhaustion, and all that came with it. Believe me it wasn't even a hard sell, but you would have thought mom was about to make her millionth sale for an all-inclusive vacation reward.
Anyway, in May of 2010, I was talking to my mom when she told me about this guy she knew who had his vasectomy of 25 years reversed and got his girlfriend pregnant. I couldn't believe it! I revealed probably more than I should have about what I knew of vasectomy reversals--she never questioned it, but if she was paying attention she would have known exactly what I have been thinking.
Well, that got me searching a little differently. Instead of searching for the negative, the failure I started looking into success stories. That led me to nearby clinics and mirco-surgery! Of course, micro-surgery!!
Then I started looking into doctors that offered the procedure at a reduced cost as a ministry. WOW! $5500, $3500 and believe it or not some doctor in Oklahoma charged less that $2000! I could not believe all that I found.
The most important thing I found of all was a new hope. But in Oklahoma???
There was a small part of my motivation to get pregnant a third time just in spite of my mom. To rebel against what she thought I should do, yes I know, immaturity and I was nearly 30. It was my last childish hurrah--cut me a break!
After I was thoroughly punished for my above mentioned actions with a miserable pregnancy (just kidding I know that isn't the reason...I hope!) for number three, my parents had a lot of fuel as to why I should be done. Blood pressure issues, migraines, sickness, exhaustion, and all that came with it. Believe me it wasn't even a hard sell, but you would have thought mom was about to make her millionth sale for an all-inclusive vacation reward.
Anyway, in May of 2010, I was talking to my mom when she told me about this guy she knew who had his vasectomy of 25 years reversed and got his girlfriend pregnant. I couldn't believe it! I revealed probably more than I should have about what I knew of vasectomy reversals--she never questioned it, but if she was paying attention she would have known exactly what I have been thinking.
Well, that got me searching a little differently. Instead of searching for the negative, the failure I started looking into success stories. That led me to nearby clinics and mirco-surgery! Of course, micro-surgery!!
Then I started looking into doctors that offered the procedure at a reduced cost as a ministry. WOW! $5500, $3500 and believe it or not some doctor in Oklahoma charged less that $2000! I could not believe all that I found.
The most important thing I found of all was a new hope. But in Oklahoma???
Can of Worms and New Hope
Vasectomy Reversal. Everything I found was gloomy and very expensive--almost as expensive as adoption and more so minus the tax credits! I was defeated yet determined. Finally, I felt prepared to bring it up to my husband. I had to gear myself up for this, his words following the vasectomy once he was home echoed in my mind: I will not be undoing this or having my balls cut open ever again!
Soooo, you could say he felt very strongly about what he had just went through. I took a chance that those words were result of pain, embarrassment and knowing that I had bawled my eyes out that day while he was at the appointment because I was second guessing our decision. He doesn't know that I actually attempted to call the clinic and stop the procedure, but I got no answer. The baby woke and started screaming to be fed. By the time I was able to oblige the hungry little fellow, I realized it was too late to call and that the procedure would have already begun. It was over and I cried like baby. Anyway, maybe he had had enough time to get over it all.
I was scared to bring up the idea of a reversal, so I started with adoption...AGAIN! He was clearly exasperated with me and simply said no, he could never want to adopt. So I nonchalantly asked him if he had ever heard of a vasectomy being reversed. He was already annoyed about the adoption stuff and said yes he knew they could be reversed, but that it was rarely successful. He went on to tell me that the vasectomy doctor told him about it. He was very irritated so I thought it best to just shut up and least my interest as curiosity and nothing more. Though he had to have known I was thinking about it.
I periodically kept searching about vasectomy reversals and never found anything promising. This was 2009 and early 2010. I had all but gave up on the idea by about May of 2010 when my mom gave me new hope with one simple little story...
Soooo, you could say he felt very strongly about what he had just went through. I took a chance that those words were result of pain, embarrassment and knowing that I had bawled my eyes out that day while he was at the appointment because I was second guessing our decision. He doesn't know that I actually attempted to call the clinic and stop the procedure, but I got no answer. The baby woke and started screaming to be fed. By the time I was able to oblige the hungry little fellow, I realized it was too late to call and that the procedure would have already begun. It was over and I cried like baby. Anyway, maybe he had had enough time to get over it all.
I was scared to bring up the idea of a reversal, so I started with adoption...AGAIN! He was clearly exasperated with me and simply said no, he could never want to adopt. So I nonchalantly asked him if he had ever heard of a vasectomy being reversed. He was already annoyed about the adoption stuff and said yes he knew they could be reversed, but that it was rarely successful. He went on to tell me that the vasectomy doctor told him about it. He was very irritated so I thought it best to just shut up and least my interest as curiosity and nothing more. Though he had to have known I was thinking about it.
I periodically kept searching about vasectomy reversals and never found anything promising. This was 2009 and early 2010. I had all but gave up on the idea by about May of 2010 when my mom gave me new hope with one simple little story...
The Evolution: NO ROOM!, Misunderstandings and a Can of Worms
When my youngest wasn't quite a year old we moved into a larger home. As we settled in to this new, larger space, it became very evident that one little justification we created to somehow explain our choice in a vasectomy was completely invalid. NO ROOM was no longer an issue, in fact moving from a 2 bedroom super tiny ranch to a 2-story home with 4 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms and a decent basement completely wiped out that excuse. In fairness, we had no idea the opportunity to own a much larger home would come to us so quickly. I was a stay at home mom and had no intention of getting a job just yet and everything larger seemed out of our price range.
The need to fill our new home haunted me and after my baby turned one I found myself scouring international and domestic adoption agencies online. I really liked the idea of international adoption and began formulating a safe way to present this to my husband. I had never broached the subject with him before, so I did not know his feelings about it. I was utterly shocked when he strongly opposed the idea, it never occurred to me he would feel so strongly. It must be the money, I thought.
I brought it up about 6 months later and offered to work part time to save the money for the adoption costs, I had researched the tax credits and all that can help offset the cost. He said no with a pained and almost sick look to his face. He said, something to the effect that we have our own kids and we need to give them our time and resources ahead of another child. He just did not know how it would effect our current family situation. So he did not want any more kids. Period.
By now my baby was around 2 1/2 years old I had just been hired into a position that was unexpected and everything was put on the back-burner. The desire for another little one was still strong, but I had lots of distractions. I would still stalk adoption sites and daydream.
Then I had a wacky cycle and my period was late, I prayed and prayed that the vasectomy had failed and that I was pregnant (ironically, I prayed every cycle that my period would never show, but it was always like clockwork). Unfortunately, my period did show up, but not before I put in hours of time into searching the internet looking for vasectomy failures. I stumbled across some articles about how expensive vasectomy reversals were and how often they failed. It had never occurred to me that it could even be reversed! A whole new can of worms opened up.
A big can of worms!
The need to fill our new home haunted me and after my baby turned one I found myself scouring international and domestic adoption agencies online. I really liked the idea of international adoption and began formulating a safe way to present this to my husband. I had never broached the subject with him before, so I did not know his feelings about it. I was utterly shocked when he strongly opposed the idea, it never occurred to me he would feel so strongly. It must be the money, I thought.
I brought it up about 6 months later and offered to work part time to save the money for the adoption costs, I had researched the tax credits and all that can help offset the cost. He said no with a pained and almost sick look to his face. He said, something to the effect that we have our own kids and we need to give them our time and resources ahead of another child. He just did not know how it would effect our current family situation. So he did not want any more kids. Period.
By now my baby was around 2 1/2 years old I had just been hired into a position that was unexpected and everything was put on the back-burner. The desire for another little one was still strong, but I had lots of distractions. I would still stalk adoption sites and daydream.
Then I had a wacky cycle and my period was late, I prayed and prayed that the vasectomy had failed and that I was pregnant (ironically, I prayed every cycle that my period would never show, but it was always like clockwork). Unfortunately, my period did show up, but not before I put in hours of time into searching the internet looking for vasectomy failures. I stumbled across some articles about how expensive vasectomy reversals were and how often they failed. It had never occurred to me that it could even be reversed! A whole new can of worms opened up.
A big can of worms!
Thoughts on Vasectomy
When I hear women or couples discuss getting a vasectomy, I feel a sense of panic, my pulse blares in my ears and head like a siren, I feel light-headed and I want to scream DON'T DO IT!!!! This is only an initial reaction of course and substantiated with my own fears, guilt, regret and frustration. I know that some people feel that a vasectomy is the best thing they ever did and I think that if you have absolutely no question, it probably is right for you. But if you even have the slightest uneasiness about it you should cool your jets and reassess the options further down the road.
If someone would have asked me when we made the decision to get the vasectomy, "are you sure you never want to be pregnant again?" I probably still would have said, "yeah, I think so." It kills me to know that truth. But, had we been forced to wait a mere 3 months (actually 6 weeks when the crazy-lady-prego hormones start to normalize) I would have said no. Not a indecisive, I don't think so, but a loud and positive NO!
You see by 6 weeks, my 3rd degree tears, all four of them, had healed nicely. I no longer had the intense back, leg, thigh and hip pains of pregnancy or the maddening heartburn. I had bounced back faster than either of my other pregnancies and deliveries. I was in complete bliss over my new little prince charming. I was so happy, but the reality that he was my last ate at my heart.
After a vasectomy you are supposed to avoid unprotected sex until the doctor says no sperm is present. At 6 weeks I told my husband, we don't have to--it has been long enough...what guy is going to say no to not wearing a condom?
I was trying to get pregnant, a last ditch effort to cling to what we had thrown away. Unfortunately, it did not work and at the final semen analysis we did he had less that 1 million sperm. They tell you it takes up to 35 ejaculations before all of the live sperm are gone. At our last SA we were well into the upper 40's. It gave me hope that it was a failure.
For the next year, I continued to get my period and my dream of having another baby started to fade and I just accepted what we had done.
So my thoughts are this, make sure your are certain. Give you and your spouse a window of time where you diligently use birth control or a combination of birth control to see if you still feel like the children you have completes your family. If you are still not sure, WAIT! Condoms never killed anyone, aside from very severe latex allergies (okay I made that up) or used in a way unintended.
A short duration of inconvenience is so worth not having a lifetime of regret.
If someone would have asked me when we made the decision to get the vasectomy, "are you sure you never want to be pregnant again?" I probably still would have said, "yeah, I think so." It kills me to know that truth. But, had we been forced to wait a mere 3 months (actually 6 weeks when the crazy-lady-prego hormones start to normalize) I would have said no. Not a indecisive, I don't think so, but a loud and positive NO!
You see by 6 weeks, my 3rd degree tears, all four of them, had healed nicely. I no longer had the intense back, leg, thigh and hip pains of pregnancy or the maddening heartburn. I had bounced back faster than either of my other pregnancies and deliveries. I was in complete bliss over my new little prince charming. I was so happy, but the reality that he was my last ate at my heart.
After a vasectomy you are supposed to avoid unprotected sex until the doctor says no sperm is present. At 6 weeks I told my husband, we don't have to--it has been long enough...what guy is going to say no to not wearing a condom?
I was trying to get pregnant, a last ditch effort to cling to what we had thrown away. Unfortunately, it did not work and at the final semen analysis we did he had less that 1 million sperm. They tell you it takes up to 35 ejaculations before all of the live sperm are gone. At our last SA we were well into the upper 40's. It gave me hope that it was a failure.
For the next year, I continued to get my period and my dream of having another baby started to fade and I just accepted what we had done.
So my thoughts are this, make sure your are certain. Give you and your spouse a window of time where you diligently use birth control or a combination of birth control to see if you still feel like the children you have completes your family. If you are still not sure, WAIT! Condoms never killed anyone, aside from very severe latex allergies (okay I made that up) or used in a way unintended.
A short duration of inconvenience is so worth not having a lifetime of regret.
My Little Prince Charming: Every story as a beginning
Six years ago I gave birth to my third born, a son who was a difficult little traveler, burdensome bunker and an all around pain in the backside before his beautiful little face ever saw the light of day. It was a difficult pregnancy. I was miserable for reasons I can't really even pinpoint, but much of it was emotional and constant physical discomfort.
The delivery wasn't as easy as my previous two, and let me be clear compared to many brave women it was a piece of cake. But come on! Whatever happened to the saying, "third time's the charm" because this pregnancy wasn't. Again, I know many have had it way worse than me and I will confess I am a bit of a baby. Lots of things culminated into the worse mistake of our lives--though at the time we were oblivious.
My parents thought we should be done, "three healthy babies are plenty, why risk a problem?" My doctor thought we should be done--although it turns out his opinion may have been based more on, umm shall we say, personal opinion rather than professional. Heck, after being miserable for almost 9 months, we thought we were done. And there was that darn high blood pressure.
So almost exactly on month after my little charmer was born, my husband had a vasectomy. Snippity-snip--no more babies for us.
Or maybe not...and our story begins.
The delivery wasn't as easy as my previous two, and let me be clear compared to many brave women it was a piece of cake. But come on! Whatever happened to the saying, "third time's the charm" because this pregnancy wasn't. Again, I know many have had it way worse than me and I will confess I am a bit of a baby. Lots of things culminated into the worse mistake of our lives--though at the time we were oblivious.
My parents thought we should be done, "three healthy babies are plenty, why risk a problem?" My doctor thought we should be done--although it turns out his opinion may have been based more on, umm shall we say, personal opinion rather than professional. Heck, after being miserable for almost 9 months, we thought we were done. And there was that darn high blood pressure.
So almost exactly on month after my little charmer was born, my husband had a vasectomy. Snippity-snip--no more babies for us.
Or maybe not...and our story begins.
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