Sunday, November 24, 2013
Fast Forward
As I complete these entries, our little VR miracle is snoozing away on my shoulder. It is hard to believe that she will be one year old in less than a month. She was an Easter surprise and Christmas present. I would say she was definitely in God's plan and His time.
Renewal
The remainder of the cycle wound down without much drama. My husband and had reconciled, by way of communication--why is it that is so hard to do from the get go? Every Saturday before Easter we go to family out of town to celebrate Easter, this was nine days post ovulation (dpo) and there was no point in testing.
We had a good time, played games including sack races. I managed to not kill myself but went "splat" a few times. We found out that one of my husband's cousins was having twins. Normally that sort of news would have made me feel sad, but it did not. In fact I found myself wanting to say we were pregnant too! I could not believe how strong the urge was, but decided it was the excitement of the day paired with the desire to spill our secret of even trying again.
When we left I felt good, but expressed my jealousy about the twins announcement to my husband. He too admitted he was a bit on the jealous side and be both just let it go. I slept the majority of the drive home.
We stayed up late playing "Easter Bunny" preparing our children's baskets and the treasure hunt to find their hidden baskets. We were up way too late and both of us slept like rocks!
The next morning we were woke by excited children and one frustrated one because the riddle was too hard and that "easter bunny wasn't being nice." I suggested the help of his brother and soon the wayward basket was located. I was so cozy I just didn't want to leave and was contemplating skipping church altogether. We had forgot to set our alarms and were already running late.
My bladder is what pulled me from the bed finally. Day 10 post ovulation. I stood for a moment in front of the medicine cabinet mocking my stupidity for even wanting to test before my period was even due. I couldn't hold my urine any longer and grabbed my trusty mug--designated for the lonely purpose of catching pee. I didn't have to actually dip the pee stick, I could still dump it.
As I sat there, thinking about how it was highly unlikely that we could be pregnant I realized I would dip that stick simply because that is what I do. No matter how outwardly pessimistic I can seem I cling to the hope inside of me.
I turned on the shower and tore open the package, laughing at myself and plunged the absorbent tip into the warm lemon colored liquid. I pulled it out, capped it and stuck it in the medicine cabinet. I jumped in the shower and took a speed shower--no need to shave my legs as AF would be coming soon. Thanks to 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner I can get in and out in five minutes.
Still dripping wet I fling the cabinet open and pull the stick into my line of sight. Nothing but another indent line. I throw it back in the cabinet and quickly dry myself off and get dressed, brush out my hair, and throw on some make-up. Stupid indents! Those are the worst, but I have come to not trust any line, especially this early.
Like an addict, I have to look again. The indent remained and it even looked slightly pink! How cruel is that, it had been awhile since I had a slightly pink line. I tossed it into the cabinet and acknowledged it was past readability time anyway and let my husband have the bathroom, while I got the kids dressed. That test and that evil pink line kept nagging at me. Back a third time. This indent was different.
As soon as my husband gets out if the shower I make him look at it. He sees it, but doubts it as I do. I decide I am crazy, but take a picture an upload it to the test tweakers on Babycenter. We go to church.
We come home and again I look at the test. It truly is different than any others, especially this early. We quickly let the dogs out and prepare their food before leaving for my parent's house for Easter dinner. Before I heads to the van I pull up babycenter to see if anyone responded. One of the main tweakers call it an evaporation line, another viewer agrees, but 3 viewers are optimistic and say it looks like the start of something...yeah, it was too good to be true.
The rest of the afternoon, I don't think about the test. I have accepted it is negative and enjoy my kids. We stayed all afternoon and head home a little before 7 pm. On the way home I realize I really have to pee and naturally think about the test once again. I fill the mug and give it another go. I know it will be stark white, that is how these things go. Glimmer of a line, then the cruel non-line, whiter than white.
I stick it in the medicine cabinet, then pull it out again. I decide I am going to watch that nasty white line appear only it doesn't. Again it is pinkish, must be bad tests. I check the timer and it has only been 3 minutes. My eyes must be playing tricks on me because the line gets darker, not lighter. I yell for my husband--but he took the dogs for a walk. I get my daughter's opinion on a second line--she sees it. She could see the second line on the first test too.
I could not believe it, I was actually pregnant. 4 years of regretting and nearly giving up, a year of making the reversal happen and 12 cycles of trying after the vasectomy reversal. Finally we got our BFP!
We had a good time, played games including sack races. I managed to not kill myself but went "splat" a few times. We found out that one of my husband's cousins was having twins. Normally that sort of news would have made me feel sad, but it did not. In fact I found myself wanting to say we were pregnant too! I could not believe how strong the urge was, but decided it was the excitement of the day paired with the desire to spill our secret of even trying again.
When we left I felt good, but expressed my jealousy about the twins announcement to my husband. He too admitted he was a bit on the jealous side and be both just let it go. I slept the majority of the drive home.
We stayed up late playing "Easter Bunny" preparing our children's baskets and the treasure hunt to find their hidden baskets. We were up way too late and both of us slept like rocks!
The next morning we were woke by excited children and one frustrated one because the riddle was too hard and that "easter bunny wasn't being nice." I suggested the help of his brother and soon the wayward basket was located. I was so cozy I just didn't want to leave and was contemplating skipping church altogether. We had forgot to set our alarms and were already running late.
My bladder is what pulled me from the bed finally. Day 10 post ovulation. I stood for a moment in front of the medicine cabinet mocking my stupidity for even wanting to test before my period was even due. I couldn't hold my urine any longer and grabbed my trusty mug--designated for the lonely purpose of catching pee. I didn't have to actually dip the pee stick, I could still dump it.
As I sat there, thinking about how it was highly unlikely that we could be pregnant I realized I would dip that stick simply because that is what I do. No matter how outwardly pessimistic I can seem I cling to the hope inside of me.
I turned on the shower and tore open the package, laughing at myself and plunged the absorbent tip into the warm lemon colored liquid. I pulled it out, capped it and stuck it in the medicine cabinet. I jumped in the shower and took a speed shower--no need to shave my legs as AF would be coming soon. Thanks to 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner I can get in and out in five minutes.
Still dripping wet I fling the cabinet open and pull the stick into my line of sight. Nothing but another indent line. I throw it back in the cabinet and quickly dry myself off and get dressed, brush out my hair, and throw on some make-up. Stupid indents! Those are the worst, but I have come to not trust any line, especially this early.
Like an addict, I have to look again. The indent remained and it even looked slightly pink! How cruel is that, it had been awhile since I had a slightly pink line. I tossed it into the cabinet and acknowledged it was past readability time anyway and let my husband have the bathroom, while I got the kids dressed. That test and that evil pink line kept nagging at me. Back a third time. This indent was different.
As soon as my husband gets out if the shower I make him look at it. He sees it, but doubts it as I do. I decide I am crazy, but take a picture an upload it to the test tweakers on Babycenter. We go to church.
We come home and again I look at the test. It truly is different than any others, especially this early. We quickly let the dogs out and prepare their food before leaving for my parent's house for Easter dinner. Before I heads to the van I pull up babycenter to see if anyone responded. One of the main tweakers call it an evaporation line, another viewer agrees, but 3 viewers are optimistic and say it looks like the start of something...yeah, it was too good to be true.
The rest of the afternoon, I don't think about the test. I have accepted it is negative and enjoy my kids. We stayed all afternoon and head home a little before 7 pm. On the way home I realize I really have to pee and naturally think about the test once again. I fill the mug and give it another go. I know it will be stark white, that is how these things go. Glimmer of a line, then the cruel non-line, whiter than white.
I stick it in the medicine cabinet, then pull it out again. I decide I am going to watch that nasty white line appear only it doesn't. Again it is pinkish, must be bad tests. I check the timer and it has only been 3 minutes. My eyes must be playing tricks on me because the line gets darker, not lighter. I yell for my husband--but he took the dogs for a walk. I get my daughter's opinion on a second line--she sees it. She could see the second line on the first test too.
I could not believe it, I was actually pregnant. 4 years of regretting and nearly giving up, a year of making the reversal happen and 12 cycles of trying after the vasectomy reversal. Finally we got our BFP!
Righting Our Wrong: Was this it?
The days following our argument and my frustration in knowing we had blown it was wearing on me and my husband. I was grouchy and irritable. All around miserable and like every other cycle I was acutely aware of every twinge, tightness, ache and sensation that could mean I was pregnant. Around the 5th day post ovulation I had sharp stabbing pain that were brief, but I knew it was unlikely they were implantation. It was just a wee bit too early. My temp did dip, but mostly stayed high, like usual and I expected it would stay high until the red of Aunt Flow showed.
I had resigned myself to the fact that in a few weeks I would be having an HSG to check my tubes. I was excited at the possibility of the mysterious increase in fertility afterward that some women seem to experience. I wasn't looking forward to having my husband do through the whole sperm collection process to do an IUI. I wasn't looking forward to that for myself either. Spending the money wasn't what I wanted either.
I decided to put all things aside and concentrate on Easter. God had put us on this path and I was beginning to think it was simply for us to act in obedience. In the beginning it was easy to say, "if we never get pregnant, then at least we tried." Now it was down right painful and I had to fight the frustration every time I uttered those words to myself. I refused to believe God did not have another child to bless us with. I knew her name, I saw her face, I knew she was out there somewhere...even if it was just a dream.
Easter, Jesus rising from the dead and promising our salvation, that is what I had to focus on and if "righting our wrong" was our only reward, then that is what it should be, but I wasn't going down without a fight!
I had resigned myself to the fact that in a few weeks I would be having an HSG to check my tubes. I was excited at the possibility of the mysterious increase in fertility afterward that some women seem to experience. I wasn't looking forward to having my husband do through the whole sperm collection process to do an IUI. I wasn't looking forward to that for myself either. Spending the money wasn't what I wanted either.
I decided to put all things aside and concentrate on Easter. God had put us on this path and I was beginning to think it was simply for us to act in obedience. In the beginning it was easy to say, "if we never get pregnant, then at least we tried." Now it was down right painful and I had to fight the frustration every time I uttered those words to myself. I refused to believe God did not have another child to bless us with. I knew her name, I saw her face, I knew she was out there somewhere...even if it was just a dream.
Easter, Jesus rising from the dead and promising our salvation, that is what I had to focus on and if "righting our wrong" was our only reward, then that is what it should be, but I wasn't going down without a fight!
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
The Waste of a Medicated Cycle
With prescriptions in hand, I picked up the Clomid and the estrogen. I was on the fence about the progesterone--honestly I did the worst thing possible and googled "bad side effects from progesterone." I was beyond freaked out after that and opted to not spend $100+ to mess myself up worse than what I could have already been doing with the clomid and estrogen.
Doctor wanted me to try days 5-9 instead of 3-7 for the Clomid. As before I had little to no side effects from it. I took the estrogen, little pink happy pills, days 8-12. The estrogen made me feel amazing--or so I thought! Maybe the gorgeous weather and soaking up some sun spiked my vitamin D and contributed to my great mood.
So all sounds great right? Well, for whatever reason my husband and I were NOT on the same page. My ovulation predictor sticks were dead, nothing appeared to be happening. Seriously on cycle day 12 they were so negative that if they were any lighter there'd be no line at all! Even my temps were plummeting and my body seemed to NOT be doing anything. We had not been able to find time or energy or desire to dtd, but on CD 13, I told my husband we better do something or we just wasted another cycle. I thought I had missed my ovulation day as it was.
Then the next day, CD 14 my temp bottomed out and I got a positive OPK--in the morning! We were running late and there was just no way to squeeze anything in to the morning if we were going to make it to work on time. We would have to wait and try that night and hope for the best and perhaps the next morning.
We managed to accomplish the task that evening, despite both of us being exhausted, this was a Thursday.
Friday night I went to a movie with a girlfriend and we were out late talking--too late for my husband's liking. He was mad--no dtd that night! Saturday we ended up in a heated argument with me questioning "what in the hell we were doing this for." Basically he was mad, or irritated might be the better description, that I we ate at the bar of a "family" oriented sports bar and grill (it was absurd and I should have realized it was a desperate attempt to say he was mad about something). I was angry because it felt like he was accusing me of behaving inappropriately and was out "clubbing" or something! In hindsight, I know he was annoyed that I left him home with the kids for this one night. Before anyone thinks either of us are complete psychos or that he is a control freak (which I accused him of acting like that day) we aren't, and he isn't. We are very much homebodies and rarely do anything unless we are together. We prefer it that way. My friend was going through a tough time trying to get pregnant as well and it was sort of a night out for venting and taking a break from the TTC stuff. I intended to be home by 10pm, which he was counting on, so when 11:45 rolled around he was not happy. In the end it boiled down to hurt feelings.
On the downside of it all we had only two notches in the TTC bedpost and that was it! What a waste, sigh.
Putting a Plan in Motion
When the January and February cycles became BFNs it was time to get the plan moving. I called my doctor who said she would need to see me before scheduling an HSG. I was concerned with cost and she was checking into the cost since my insurance covers nothing related to fertility.
The HSG was going to be pricey locally because they had to put me out, a clinic in a larger city did it in office. My doctor was annoyed with her facility and was perfectly willing to refer me, but still wanted to see me. I asked about medicating my cycle with estrogen and progesterone and she said it probably wouldn't work, but she was fine with me trying it.
It turns out progesterone is crazy expensive, like $400 for 5 days! My insurance would not pay for it. I asked if there was another form other than the gel and she changed the prescription to a pill that was over $100--cheapest option. Insurance would not pay for it, but it covered the estrogen for 5 days and Clomid is cheap.
We decided to try one more medicated cycle and schedule the HSG for the next month when the meds didn't help. Because we had so little hope it would work out!
The HSG was going to be pricey locally because they had to put me out, a clinic in a larger city did it in office. My doctor was annoyed with her facility and was perfectly willing to refer me, but still wanted to see me. I asked about medicating my cycle with estrogen and progesterone and she said it probably wouldn't work, but she was fine with me trying it.
It turns out progesterone is crazy expensive, like $400 for 5 days! My insurance would not pay for it. I asked if there was another form other than the gel and she changed the prescription to a pill that was over $100--cheapest option. Insurance would not pay for it, but it covered the estrogen for 5 days and Clomid is cheap.
We decided to try one more medicated cycle and schedule the HSG for the next month when the meds didn't help. Because we had so little hope it would work out!
Back and Forth, Who's Fault is it?
Who's fault was it? Maybe we just were pushing things and it wasn't in God's plan. Maybe we weren't meant to have another baby.
June-September: Up until my home scoping all of the BFNs were my husband's sperm were likely the problem. Certainly his numbers were off, my cycles were looking great, temps were mostly cooperative, I was ovulating, getting positive OPKs, and our timing was great.
October-December: Scoping was yielding lots of swimmers, so I resigned myself to be THE problem--doc said I wasn't, but suggested giving us a little boost with Clomid. When that didn't work, we went with the SA at the end of December.
January: SA results were good so he could't be the problem. Back to me. We made a plan, I would get my tubes checked for blockages in the next couple of months, then if they were fine we would start IUI's in May. If I wasn't pregnant by August 2012 we were going to give up (yeah right, can't believe I actually thought I could give up).
At least we had a plan, not the plan I had in mind a year earlier, but if it got me pregnant then it was a great plan.
Result: Not what I had hoped
So when the phone call came in a wide array of emotions ran through me, good, bad, fear, doubt, anger, confusion, relief, etc. I wanted an answer and an easy fix. I should have been happier at the results, but it just upset me further.
I WAS NORMAL!!! Not only that my egg reserve appeared to be high and appartently my Bride of Frankenstein paired with the rest of my reproductive system was something similar to that of a late 20's early 30's woman. In fact she said that she hope I like periods because I would likely be getting one well into my 50's--gee thanks mom and grandma. Really that is what I inherited? Well dang it if I was doing so great then why wasn't I pregnant!
I was grateful for my health and I did appreciate happy little ovaries and Gertrude the floppy uterus, but I wanted a baby!
Within 12 hours of receiving those results I got a period. I was still hopeful that I was pregnant that month. 21 days! It was ridiculous and cruel, but one thing the doctor offered was to give Clomid a try. I had told her I would think about it--I called the next day. Darn you Aunt Flo!
On to the 7th cycle.
I was prescribed the lowest dose to take on days 3-7. It was no big deal, no side effects. We timed perfectly, I temped and used the OPK's. We propped hips, waited a good long time before I even considered moving. We were definitely on team "ALL IN." I happily charted my signs and symptoms and temp on FertilityFriend.com. With each progressing day all signs were pointing to pregnant. In fact out of 100 I had score 89! This had to be it so like every other TTC psycho I pulled out the pee sticks on DAY 9! Not only did I take them in the morning I took them at night also--because I read on Baby Center that someone had their highest HCG levels at night. That could be me too right!
Day 9 am = BFN, pm = BFN
Day 10 am = BFN, pm = BFN, but OH MY is that the start of a line!
Day 11 am = BFN, but if I tilt it toward natural light I could see a line
Day 12 am = STARK WHITE LINE--Mega BFN, no pink, maybe it will be better tonight, NOPE still BFN
Day 13 am = BFN, BFN in pm too (you think I would have given up and accepted reality, but I kept right on testing until AF's due date.)
Aunt Flo was late 2 days
I tried another medicated month and I was pessimistic. I refused to get excited and that was a good thing because it also was a bust.
I was pissed and the Hubs was getting an SA--ASAP!
I WAS NORMAL!!! Not only that my egg reserve appeared to be high and appartently my Bride of Frankenstein paired with the rest of my reproductive system was something similar to that of a late 20's early 30's woman. In fact she said that she hope I like periods because I would likely be getting one well into my 50's--gee thanks mom and grandma. Really that is what I inherited? Well dang it if I was doing so great then why wasn't I pregnant!
I was grateful for my health and I did appreciate happy little ovaries and Gertrude the floppy uterus, but I wanted a baby!
Within 12 hours of receiving those results I got a period. I was still hopeful that I was pregnant that month. 21 days! It was ridiculous and cruel, but one thing the doctor offered was to give Clomid a try. I had told her I would think about it--I called the next day. Darn you Aunt Flo!
On to the 7th cycle.
I was prescribed the lowest dose to take on days 3-7. It was no big deal, no side effects. We timed perfectly, I temped and used the OPK's. We propped hips, waited a good long time before I even considered moving. We were definitely on team "ALL IN." I happily charted my signs and symptoms and temp on FertilityFriend.com. With each progressing day all signs were pointing to pregnant. In fact out of 100 I had score 89! This had to be it so like every other TTC psycho I pulled out the pee sticks on DAY 9! Not only did I take them in the morning I took them at night also--because I read on Baby Center that someone had their highest HCG levels at night. That could be me too right!
Day 9 am = BFN, pm = BFN
Day 10 am = BFN, pm = BFN, but OH MY is that the start of a line!
Day 11 am = BFN, but if I tilt it toward natural light I could see a line
Day 12 am = STARK WHITE LINE--Mega BFN, no pink, maybe it will be better tonight, NOPE still BFN
Day 13 am = BFN, BFN in pm too (you think I would have given up and accepted reality, but I kept right on testing until AF's due date.)
Aunt Flo was late 2 days
I tried another medicated month and I was pessimistic. I refused to get excited and that was a good thing because it also was a bust.
I was pissed and the Hubs was getting an SA--ASAP!
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